if happy ever after do exist;

It had been raining for more than a week,

so much rain it made everyday seemed so

restless and gloomy. She called and said she

was coming up. It was the third time she came

up to see me that week. I carried her excuse

of why she came all the way here and went

to meet her at the nearby seven-eleven. She

was standing there alone, carrying her red

umbrella. Her friend had dropped her off. It

was raining and she was shivering. She looked

weak and fragile in the harsh rain, wearing not

enough to keep her warm.

I walked up to her and said, "You shouldn't

come see me anymore," and stuff like how we

shouldn't be together.

She said, "I miss you."

I told her coldly, "Lets go, I'll take you home."

She did not open up her umbrella, I knew she

wanted to share mine.

I said, "Open up your umbrella, let's go."

Unwillingly, She opened up her umbrella and

walked with me to the car. She said she hadn't

eat lunch or dinner and asked if we could stop

at some place to eat.

Right away I answered with a stoned heart,

"No!"

Disappointed, she asked me to take her to the

train station, she said she would take the train

back home. Maybe it was the rain, all the trains were full of people with umbrellas and suit cases who were

eager to get home, not caring about who just

passed by. We waited and waited, she looked

at me innocently. Being together for so long, of

course I knew what she meant. I understand

how she must have felt when she came all the

way here in this kind of weather and I treated

her like this. With her soft eyes staring at me,

I felt guilt and wanted to let her stay for the

night.

But reality struck again, I said to her coldly,

"Let's go try the other train station."

We were living in the same apartment

building, on the same floor. Back then there

were four of us, and we got along well. We

would always eat dinner together, watch

movies, and sometimes go camping. We were

more like a family, but I didn't know I would

end up falling in love with the only girl of

the four. Maybe it was during the last year of

college, having lived together for two years,

we developed deep feelings for each other.

After she graduated, she went back home and

I stayed for one more year to finish school.

During that year I was only able to take the

train down to see her on holidays, but never

for long. That was how we kept the treasured

relationship.

We were walking along the side of the road.

She was in front of me and I was right behind

her. Her umbrella had a broken spoke. She

looked liked a wounded soldier, carrying her

rusted rifle walking weakly. Many times, she

was too deep in thoughts and drifted off the

road. She almost got hit by the cars passing by.

I wanted to just take her in my arms, but with the love I had for her and the constant pain

in my stomach, I did nothing. On the way, we

passed by the park where we used to always

go.

She begged and said, "Lets go in the park for

just a little while please, I promise I'll go home

right after this."

My cold heart softened at her pleas, but I still

put up an annoyed face and walked into the

park. I was just sitting on the benches looking

like I wanted to leave. She went to the big oak

tree and she was looking for something. I knew

she was looking for what we wrote on that tree

with a silver ink pen half a year ago.

If I remember it right, it said,

"Chris and Susan was here,

Chris had tea and Susan was drinking hot

chocolate.

Hope Chris and Susan would always remember

this day,

always loving each other, forever."

She was looking around for quite a while, then

she came back slowly with tears on her face.

She said, "Chris, I can't find it, it's not there

anymore."

I felt so sour inside, there was a stream of pain

flowing into my heart, the kind of pain I've

never felt before.

But all I could do was pretend I didn't care, and

said, "Can we go now?"

I opened up my big black umbrella, while she

simply stood there, not wanting to leave yet,

hoping there was still a chance.

She said, "You made up the story of you and

that other girl didn't you? I know I frustrate

you sometimes, but I'll change, can't we start over?"

I didn't say a word, looked down and shook

my head. After which, we just kept on walking

towards the train station without saying a

single word to each other.

Four years ago, the doctor said I had cancer,

but it was found early, so it was still curable.

Thinking that it was okay, I started living my

normal life again and even forgot about the

cancer. I didn't think about the cancer again

and did not go back to the doctor. Until a

month ago, my stomach was hurting for two

weeks straight, and the nightmare awakened.

First I thought the pain would go away, but it

grew stronger until it came to the point that

I couldn't take it anymore. I went back to the

doctor and took an X-ray. The picture came out

and there was a big black spot which proved

the truth that I did not want to believe. I was

at the most glittering part of my life but it

was coming to an end. I wanted myself and

the people around me to go through the least

pain possible, so I decided to commit suicide.But I couldn't let people find out about my

intentions, especially Susan, the person I love

the most in this whole world, who still doesn't

know about the truth. Susan was still young,

she shouldn't have to go through this. So I

made up some stories and lied to her. It was

a cruel thing to do and it broke her heart, but

it was the fastest way to wipe out three years

of feelings. I didn't have much time because I

would soon start to loose hair and she would

find out eventually. But now I'm close to

succeeding. This drama would soon be over.

Thirty minutes more this would all come to an

end, that was what I had in mind.

The train had stopped running so I called a taxi

for her. We were just standing there waiting,

loosing our last moments in silence. I saw the

taxi arriving from a distance.

I held my tears and said to her, "Take care of

yourself, take good care of yourself."

She didn't talk but simply nodded lightly and

then opened up her misshaped umbrella and

stepped out onto the street. Out in the rain,

we became two single life forms, one red, one

black, so far away from each other. I opened

the door for her and she got in, then I close the

gate that would separate me from her forever.

I stood by the car, staring into the dark

window at the first and last love in my life,

walking out of my life. The car took off into

the street. Finally I couldn't hold my sorrow

and the twisted lies in my heart any longer. I

waved my arms rapidly and chased after the

taxi, because I knew this would be the last

time I see her. I wanted to tell her I still love

her. I wanted to tell her to stay. I wanted to tell

her so much. However, the taxi had already

turned into the corner. Warm tears streamed

down my face, blended together with the cold raindrops. I was cold not because of the rain. I

was cold inside.

She left, and I didn't get anymore of her phone

calls even until today. I know she didn't see my

tears, because they were washed away by the

rain. I left without regrets. But I'm not Chris,

I'm that girl Susan, using my memory and his

diary I found one year after he left, writing

down these last words.

"If happy ever after do exist ,I will still be holding you like this"

           Chris diary